-Undefined

<> 

<br>

This is Brylon. He was my world, my heart & soul, my life, my everything. My heart was set on dedicating myself to him forever. But don’t be fooled, every relationship has their flaws. He cheated on me more times than I can remember. We fought about countless nonsense for reasons I now realize was useless. He spent time saying things on purpose because he knew it would upset me. I cried so many nights because I convinced myself I was never good enough. For a long time, I was never a priority to him because partying, friends, and even other females were so much more important to him. I know it seems ridiculous now, wondering how I’d ever stick around. Call me stupid, but love does crazy things.  Because in spite of his flaws, there was so much in that boy that I just couldn’t leave behind. He held my hand through the most difficult times. He listened to me rant for hours upon hours. He knew my life story, almost as well as myself. He understood why I was the way I was. He taught me many things, from rebuilding myself to forgiving those I would never think deserved it. He taught me it’s okay to let people in and enjoy their company, or even trust them. Most importantly, he taught me how to love.  Although through the many times our relationship failed, and me knowing he was never the type to settle down, he began to prove me wrong. On July 4th, Brylon and I promised we’d do what ever it would take to spend forever together. I felt like such a hypocrite for becoming the naive girl I never wished to be, so in love. The best part? I didn’t second guess my promise. That night…I told him to tell me a secret of his. I wanted to know everything about him, so we did just that. I told him the tragedies he had yet to find out about. He fell silent in guilt for not being there to help me. The very next day, I was trapped in a place he didn’t feel was safe for me. At midnight, he came for me, took me in, and tried so hard to give me space and time to recollect my thoughts. I shook in pain and and shock. I could not come near him, speak to him nor look him in the eyes. He respected my behavior and eventually comforted me through the night, holding me through my tears. He’s the first guy I had ever shed tears in front of. On September 26, the “us” began to spin right before my eyes. As soon as I got to Guam, more than 6,000 miles away from him, our promise vanished. My days consisted of coming home from a school I hated, and reading multiple messages from people announcing his unfaithful acts. It was like we were back in square one. I didn’t even cry anymore. Because I wasn’t even sad. Rather than that, I was just mad. Mad at myself for letting it happen. I blamed myself for being put in that position all over again. I felt like I couldn’t leave because I was so determined to be the one person who’s never given up on him. But it came to a point where I new it was HIM who had given up on ME. I’ve always hated my birthday. It meant nothing to me. For the past couple years, he was either sent away for it or partying. That year, he made no acknowledge of it. Even his mom, who was dear to my heart, wished me a blessed day. It was a couple weeks later, on thanksgiving day to be exact, when I realized why. His first love made it known that she’d been spending time with him, and that they were excited to find out they were expecting. Instantly, my world crumbled. It was Deja vu but ten times worse. It was then that I didn’t even ask him for the truth, I had it before my eyes. It was then I told him I knew I wasn’t ever going to live up to her, and that I know they’ll be so happy together. I wished them the best of luck. It was then I realized I should have never given my everything to someone, because I turned out to amount to nothing. Everyone pictures love so beautifully until they experience the ugly traits of disloyalty and betrayal.</p>

For a long time I was positive my world would never be the same. It took very long to rebuild myself without the guy who taught me to do it best. But I owe it all to the people who struggled with me the entire time and never turned away from me. Cassandra Pleasant. I met her in the sixth grade. We were always mistaken for each other when we were little. We use to go skating every weekend at Roller City, our spot(: Shes always been an odd person, yet so down to earth. But one things for sure, she is the realest. I made a mistake in the seventh grade, and had my entire school hate me. They made fun of me every single day, they threatened me, filled my inbox with hate mail, and taunted me in person. Even when our mutual friends turned on me, cassie was always there. She never acted awkward or mistreated me like the rest. She never cared when people asked her why she was friends with me. She always took a stand and made it known everyone deserves the nurture and company. She’s the sweetest girl I know. I would make friends, and lose them. Each year it was the same thing. In the 8th grade, I escaped the town that was down to beat each bone in my body, if not just make my life hell. When I came back, cassie and I were closer than ever. I’ve always known her to smile and make everyone laugh. But everyone has their days. I finally saw a sad side of her I never knew. She opened up and I was happy and sad at the same time. Sad because her pain is mine, and happy because she was secure enough to trust in me. When everyone doubted my relationship with brylon while it was at it’s best, cassie was the first to witness the realness of our dedication. And when it fell apart, she was there. She called me every night, regardless of the long distance charges, to make sure I was making progress. Eventually the days got better and stronger. She was my voice of reason who would keep me going when I felt I was at the very end. When i felt like I wasn’t worth anymore than a one night stand, she spent hours explaining I deserved to be someones everything rather than the hit of the night.   She was the first I ran to when I had moved on. She is who I thank for giving people a chance, letting them in when I wish not to. She’s the person people should give credit for for convincing me to be 100 with about my feelings, because she knows how I am. I cry often because I miss her so much. I’ve failed at many friendships because I expect so much from them after being friends with this girl. We’re the kind of best friends who plan their lives based off each other because we’re convinced we can never be apart again. She motivates me everyday. And when I’m upset, she talks me through it, even at 2am. She never likes seeing me in so much sadness, just the same as I am with her. I’m counting down till I see her again. She’s seen me through my struggles and supported me through victories. Soon, she’ll see me walk across that stage and see me through our ticket to freedom. Jordan Gaddy. He is 6foot 5, harsh attitude with the heaviest heart. He has this theory that thou shall never give an F word. He’s taught me just that. He’s a strong believer that everything happens for a reason. And it just so happens, that those are the things that he told me to get me through my heartbreaks. He told me everything happens for a reason, and brylon and I didn’t work. Reason being: God (and all of society) had better waiting for me. In the short time I had getting close to Jordan, he knew just what to say to turn my mood. He made me laugh 24/7. He was the master at impersonations. And he had this idea that no one in the universe could whoop his ass, especially not my ex. He told me if I ever went back to him, he wouldn’t talk to me. That feared me forever, until he told me it wouldn’t be that he’d shun me, it’s just that he’d expect so much more from me because I deserved better. My confidence was brought up while I was friends with him..in the most amusing ways possible. He’d find the ugliest girls he knew, make a list and tell me why I was nothing near being unattractive like them. He took my makeup bag away for a week so I could approach the public naturally. He told me to find my “inner beauty.” which I did. He looked out for me all the time. A big brother he was to me. He never liked any guy that showed interest in me. And he admitted that if my dad wouldn’t tell me what was wrong with a guy, then he would. He promised he’d alway have at least ONE negative thing to say about whoever I’d introduce him to. He was my motivation to never settle, aside from my self motivation to never get tied down again. He saw potential in me that I never knew I had. He wouldn’t let me do poorly in school, never let me be upset with myself, and taught me to vent again. He approved of one guy and one guy only. When he did, I knew my world would be perfect. But when it fell apart, once again….he was there to tell me that I would pick back up, find my inner beauty, and keep it moving. He taught me to talk myself out of blaming the worst on me. I hate that I didn’t get time with him when he visited. But someday, I’ll be able to surprise him. And we’ll spend the time we have venting, and watching comedy shows. He may have left me, but he left behind a strong girl whom he helped form. He’s my brother. Jayde Ingram. I can’t even say how many times we’ve fought. She was my biggest enemy in middle school. I absolutely disliked her for no apparent reason. But eventually she became my best friend. I use to believe she was nothing more than a whore, just like other people. But somehow I found out otherwise. As much as people talked about her, or mistreated her, I never saw her break. Until one day, I found her in the school bathroom crying. As awkward as it could’ve been, for some reason, I sat next to her, pulled her close and let her tears fall on me. I didn’t even bother to ask what was the matter. I knew she’d tell me when she was ready. As soon as I realized we were so much alike, as far as people disliking us, our lifestyles and choice in guys;). We got closer and closer. She was the first person who suggested I not end up with Bry. Then…5minutes later, became the first to convince me to give him a chance. We had our first loves around the same exact time. As well as our first heartbreaks. We were both is such a difficult place in our lives, and all we had was each other. I actually went through a period of depression. That was when bottling up every emotion was healthy for me. I popped any pills I could get ahold of to soothe any uneasiness that came my way. She knew she could do nothing to control me. If she’d take them away, she knew our school consisted of so many people who’d supply for me right away. Instead, she managed my mood and behavior to save me from getting caught. She checked on me throughout the whole day. It wasn’t until I went too far with it, that she refused to let me do it again. She was the only one who knew so much about what was going on. She made me vent through the nights she knew I spent cutting. Jayde knew there was no stopping that either. She understood how the pain was settled for that slight moment. She knew that there was a sensation it caused, that distracted you from depression for a split second, yet it was so rewarding. We’ve gone through so much, and she’s been there. We fight, we let things get between us mistakenly, but there’s no doubt that she’s the one person who understood. Aside from the horrors of our novel, we had the best adventure. We had innocent fun, sober fun. We use to go to this cave at the bottom of a prairie and just vent. We stole anything we couldn’t afford and got away with it each time aha We stayed up watching ghetto love movies and pigged out. We walked everywhere we went, Albertsons, school, star bucks, trailer park…everywhere. We use to skip class and drink coffee in an apartment across the street from school(: If we decided to show up to school, it’d be extremely late because we’d spend a good hour trying to get our hung over and stoned boys into their own classes. I’m pretty sure we’ve gotten kicked out of everywhere we’ve gone. I remember once, we jumped the base gate to chill at this elementary school where we got picked up by our favorite ghetto thugs. We spent our day at the mall, eating and playing the lamest arcade games. It was an uncomfortable situation seeing how Brylon was who came to get us, with his cousin D. Darius and jayde didn’t fail trying to put us on good terms. We ended up getting in trouble, running from the rent-a-cops while the two stayed behind to take the blame. Needless to say, it was our best memory. She, too told me my life would be better without my ex. But she also knew it’d be hard to let him go because the chemistry we built couldn’t be destroyed. She knows now more than ever because she’s dating him. I know it’s twisted but in my heart I knew they’d always end up together somehow. I wish she could apply all her past advice, to herself now. He treats her just like he treated me. She use to be the strongest girl I knew and now she’s just as broken as I was. I know what it’s like to be so blinded by the company that you forget how much more there is to life than depending on someone who doesn’t even appreciate you. I wish she’d see how much of an amazing and beautiful person she is. How she doesn’t need a man to complete her. She use to be so independent until a relationship got the best of her. I want my best friend back. But I know, from past experience, they learn best by making their own mistakes. This may not be a mistake to her, but at the moment, its one of the biggest ones I’ve seen her make… Selling herself short. She use to tell me there’d be a guy one day who will treat me like the queen I am and I’ll never understand why I settled for shit. I always told her otherwise…until I found that guy. Now I wish she’d find hers. She was more than happy to find out I had found someone so completely amazing that she refused to let me let go of him. I still update her on my progress. And even when I have nothing to say about him, she brings him up. And even when it’s a conversation full of details of us arguing, she routes for us. The last time I updated her, I told her I cared for him so much of course, but I know we won’t work out. Through paragraphs of detail, her only reply was “Do you love him?” I was so upset-_- and all she could tell me was that I never care for people the way I care for him. And the last person I completely felt that way for, I ended up falling for. When I asked how she figured that..she told me “Mel, I know you.” and without a doubt in my mind, I couldn’t help but to agree.

<marquee>  </marquee

Daijah Willis. This, this is my sister. She’s my little ball of sunshine. Shes always smiling, probably my biggest motivation to stay so lively. For someone so “young,” she is one of the best listeners. I love talking to people who don’t give such dead replies. We have conversations that no one will ever catch me saying. Daijah has a brother who I never expected to fall for. She was actually the sly little girl who talked me into it. She’s one of the few, I’ll still open up to about the situation because she actually sees us first hand. Everyone else has their own input, just like interpretations of a movie..they differ. But no one goes behind the scenes…she does. As much as I hide in any situation, you can’t catch me lying to her about how I feel. And if I do, I soon admit it. I’m so glad she’s there for me because without someone as optimistic as she, I’d still be falling apart. I can only imagine how awkward it’d be for her to be his sister, and have my back all at the same time. But she makes it work. Shes stubborn but always has the best intentions in mind. Her attitude is only her hiding whats on her mind because she’ll never let anyone catch her slippin. She’s a strong girl who never takes bull. And I love her for her. I’ll forever have her back, from vent sessions to the nights we sip away. I’ll never let anyone do her wrong, cause I couldn’t bare seeing her hurt. Her pain is mine, her joys I share(: Daijah, baby you’re so caught in the love phase at the moment. Make this moment last as long as possible. Ive learned alot from the past, and I can’t ever tell you what to do but not all of us have time to make the same mistakes, so please learn from mine. I’m so glad you don’t have to spend time second guessing yourself or Matt. You’re very lucky to have a guy who won’t turn your smiles into cries on purpose. Give Matthew your best, always. Ive never seen him so into anyone. He cares for you alot. And even when it doesn’t seem that way, he does. Guys…they will not put in effort into things if they didn’t find worth it. And you most definitely are. I’m sorry we can’t have the “Perfect” dating family like we always talk about and use to look forward to(; But you and Matt are doing great holding it down. And I can never thank you enough for listening to me go on and on about BigHead. I know I’m stubborn, but I’m glad you put up with it in order to hear me out. And you’re absolutely amazing for talking sense into me when I’m too blinded by worries and stress. Even though I “lost” the privileges as the sister(inlaw), you’re forever my sister at heart. I love ya beautiful<3

____________________________________________________

I don’t remember being so happy. Your kindness makes me feel like a fool for ever thinking the others treated me well. Your behavior put you on a pedistal. I had my chance at being treated the way a lady is suppose to be treated. The only time I hurt was when I couldn’t be with you. I can’t stop blaming myself for losing something that meant so much. They say all good things come to an end but I just wish I had time to enjoy mine. I thank you so much for taking the time of day to get to know me and give me a chance. I thank you for being right there each and every single time I called on you. I thank you for being patient with me as long as you could. My feelings for you run deep and I can guarantee you they haven’t stopped. You taught me to realize all I was worth again.  I thank you for everything you ever did for me, even when you didn’t notice how much you were offering. I can’t help but to think that telling you to go your own way was a mistake. But I just want you to be happy.<3

_______________________________________________

I’ve always known that a person’s true emotions are in their eyes. The very day I did so, something told me there’d officially be nothing stopping me from falling for you. The night was so calm, your embrace so warm, and your expression so sweet. The look in your eyes told me you figured me out. Deep down I knew you saw right through the bullshit, the mask I hide behind, the attitude I pull off as if I could care less, the pain I’ve experienced in the past. You knew it all and what gets me most is the fact that you bothered to stick around knowing there’d be obstacles and arguments in between. From the you held me, I could swear time stopped just for us. When you spoke to me, your voice was so genuine. Eased me, comforted me. The way you looked at me, as if I was the only person who mattered for the time being. Somehow the expression on your face told me everything I needed to know. Your seriousness in us, the passion you have in things you find worth fighting for. How strong-minded you are, the fact that you know just what you want and once your mind is set on it, you follow through whole heartedly. Mellow yet never hesitant to state your argument(: I saw you were everything I’ve wanted and so much more. That night I laid in Mel’s bed thinking of only you. How you took me away the very first time I spent time with you. How you knew all the right things to say and mean it all at the same time. That night, I knew you weren’t going to be just a phase.

____________________________________________________________

10.30

We can’t be together long enough before we argue yet again. I push you away, I say things I don’t mean, I’m mean, shady and awkward. But if only you knew it was just because I miss you. I did so well not thinking of you for the longest. I can’t say you stopped crossing my mind, but each day that went by got easier. We can’t even spend time together because it’s almost as if we always have some kind of unsettled business between us. We always have something new to say. I really hoped to just vent last night. I needed someone there. For some reason, I didn’t want it to be anyone else but you. I miss confiding in you. I miss having you around. I know you say you’re only a text or call away but I hate running to you. I really do. I know running to you just makes me means you being there. It shows me how you’ve never failed me. It shows me all I lost. I do hope for you to move on, somewhat. I feel like that’ll finally give me a reason to truly back away and never run back. I need a reason to keep my distance. I want to finally be able to be in the same place as you and  not even think about the “us.” I slowly stopped looking at everything and seeing you. But after last night, it’s almost like I have to start all over again. I’m trying to get over you because it’s what’s best. But for something that’s suppose to be so right…feels so wrong. ______________________________________________________ 12.21 I think of you less each day. It probably just hasn’t hit me that I’ll never get back what we had. But at this point, maybe that’s whats Best.

Since I first looked you in the eyes, I knew I wouldn’t be able to turn back without any hard feelings. Because from that moment, I knew you were just that type who’d finally see through the mask I hid behind. You told me that you knew the type of person I was from the beginning; I hide my feelings, I force myself not to care about anything not anyone. You sensed the walls that I had up. And I’m still questioning why you’d bother to stick around. I became so familiar with people not handling me, that I never expected you to stay. The day you looked me in the eyes was the day I realized you wouldn’t just be a phase. Youre doing you & im not grumpy, im just doing me. But when I finally decide to, I always seem wrong. You sensed tension so I’m relieving it. And last time I checked,  you don’t care. And since you dont, don’t come at me and ask. It’s YOUR fault anyway since we’re only allowed to talk on YOUR own convenience. Sorry boo it doesn’t work that way. Don’t be nice outta school, then ignore the shit out of me and wonder later why things don’t seem right. And if you don’t care, don’t mind to talk to me PERIOD. He’s retarded.  I know youre not in any mood to hear it but I know lately ive been a bitch. i always act like idgaf. I know you say my actions speak for itself. And I act like I don’t want you around, I act like idc, and I act like a bitch. But really, I do care tyree. I care for you so much. I’d just about walk a thousand miles for you. And I do, I do miss you. I pretend I don’t want you around anymore when really that’s the last thing I’d want. Ive never wanted anything so much and not be able to have it. I know I was in the wrong so many times and Im sorry for acting this way. I see you moving on and no, it’s not easy for me. It kills me a little inside because i miss you and i miss us. Seeing you move on just tells me I should get over it all. But it just isn’t that easy because I know what I had was something special. I don’t want you to leave me alone at all. I’m thankful you’re still around, and even when you won’t be, I’ll still be thankful you ever were. Thank you for not giving up on me like so many others have. I do want you to be happy, regardless of who it’s with. My feelings for you still run deep and I can’t tell you when or if that’ll change. But I can tell you I never wanna push you away because arguing with you has got to be one of the worse feelings ever for me. I’m sorry for how I’ve been I know you don’t deserve it.

__________________________________________________

4_20

It’s been a long time since I’ve walked the halls smiling as much as possible, with so many tears inside. It hurts everyday. I suppose I set myself up trying to understand these complications. It only deepens the frustration. But I can’t help but to be corrupt my mind with what the heart feeds me. I spend so much time reminiscing. The times we spent. I know they were limited, but I guess that’s what makes me cherish each one so much. Walking around without being reminded of you is so impossible. I’ll see kids playing at a park and I’ll easily think of the our walk and talk, and sitting at the play ground when you made me skip out on work. Melanie’s house is filled with times we spent chillin there. Any fastfood place has our fatasses written all over it. Disney movies, oh you know, Lion King. I wouldn’t have spent that day any other way. Watching Lion King in your arms » everything. I always think about how much I should have appreciated you much more while you were giving me you’re all. Because I finally know what it feels like to try so hard but have no results nor answers to your questions. I’m so sorry for leaving you in the dark. I just wish you’d be mine for the second time but I know it’s best to let you do you.